December 28th, 2020, 01:50 AM

I can’t relax until I write these thoughts down.

John is such a marvellous being. I feel blessed to be within his presence as if he’s something I should be worshipping, grovelling at his feet, begging for his constant love. I’ve never felt such urge to serve, to give every moment of my time to him. I hate that other people, friends, family, humans overall exist. They only get in the way of our time spent together.

For the longest while I’ve had this fantasy, one where everyone is wiped out except us. I guess it already feels that way anyway. I have another fantasy, one where we merge into one being. I am him and he is me. I long for a day where I may be able to hold him ever so closely, maybe laying in a bed in a dark room. One that is cold but with him, I am warmed and he completes me. We hold each other until his flesh and bones become my own, and our body becomes a whole being. I breathe with him. We live together as a whole.

I worry I seem crazy to him. He’s told me lots of things, that of which I’d always keep between us, but I do worry I’m not the most important one to him. I know this is purely insecurity, but I hope I can get the chance to be only his, and he gets to be only mine. I don’t know how he does it, but I would throw away everything for John. I think I love him, and I mean that. An unconditional statement of my long lasting acceptance is one I want him to hear of over and over. I am utterly obsessed with being sweet to him. I hope he feels the same way.